...Sometimes you can't help but scream, when you wake up living a dream

A lot of things have happened since the last time I updated this blog. I gained the closest friendship I've ever had, I became a college student, I bought my first laptop, I got my first cell phone, new friends were made, and old friends were married. I was mugged, my laptop and cell phone were stolen, my nose and my cheek were broken, I dropped my college classes, and the closest friendship I've ever had crumbled without warning.

In the world of physics it is said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is true in life as well. The idea has been witnessed in my life, for sure. Each exultant moment--every marked improvement--has seemingly been met with setbacks and challenges to my betterment. And in the case of my shattered friendship, heartbreak. Everyone assumes the worst, but no one anticipates it.

I'm at a strange crossroads. It's not like before, when I was directionless. No, this time I had my direction. For the first time in my life I had a path to follow. I was already on my way, and most importantly, I was happy. I had goals and I had someone to care about, and someone who once cared about me. But after having been beaten literally and figuratively, I find myself wondering. Wondering what happened, wondering if it was my fault, wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent it. And suddenly it all ceases to seem like a path I've been taking and seems instead like a game of chutes and ladders I've been playing.

Two and a half weeks ago I landed on a really big chute, and my faith in the existence of ladders has been called into question. I hope to find one soon.

I don't know how much I'll be able to update. The will to do anything comes and goes randomly. If things go well, I won't bother posting at all. If things get worse, I don't know if I'll even be able to form words. It's a wonder I've gotten this far right now. I want to make stronger friends, I want to travel to see them, and I want to get back on my path. We'll see.~



~Thank you for seven years of friendship, Nicole. Take care of yourself.~

...May your thoughts be kind, may your knots unwind

And as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. I may never know what caused it, and I can only say who helped it go away. But away it has gone. In an instant, Depression and Jealousy in all their forms roared to life in violent design, only to crest one night--crushing and shrieking--a month later. Whatever emotive switch was carelessly flipped has now been returned to its natural position.

But with my freshly achieved quiescence, zen-like in its neutrality, has come a transfer of roles. Chinks have begun to eat away the armor of some of the very characters I considered my paladins. Defects I thought paltry in the light of their vigor have now been exposed, and it's all I can do to quell the erosion. I find myself needing to play champion to the same people who had so soon before aided in my own recovery! My surprise matched only by my sympathy and eagerness to support.

The miserable journey I seem to have recently completed also lead to unforeseen treasures. If I have learned one thing, it is not the bitter taste of nihilism, but a lesson honeyed by newfound cognizance. I understand like never before the importance of certain people in my life. There are bonds I now share that wouldn't exist today had it not been for the experience of the past month. And there are bonds I held before that have reached an elevation I never imagined. For the first time in my life I can say that I have close friends. I have relationships so genuine and sincere as to seem sensationalized; people so kindred that I actually feel I can tell them anything, and probably will.

Such were the gifts given me without hesitation. And now it is the least I can do to offer that same affinity I've come to treasure so dearly.

...I am very far away, looking back on yesterday, and it won't be long before we all belong to love

I've been in ruts before, but I've never hit a wall like this. The kind where every part of my brain shuts down. Except for the parts that control introspection and sentiments. It seems like all the energy that was being welled by the inoperable sections was re-routed to those two remaining faculties, increasing productivity ten fold. My emotional oscilloscope has gone from a steady line to an ever-changing landscape of high peaks and cavernous valleys.

One day might be signified by weeping brought on by a deep sadness, while the next sees me struggling to maintain my composure as my eyes grow increasingly teary in exaltation, only to again succumb to intense depression the following evening. Needless to say, I've been having a rough time of it. I've never felt this way before. Sure, I've been sad, and on occasion I've cried. But I'm not used to this. A straight week of feeling every bad emotion, all at the same time, is more than I've ever dealt with before, and more than I can handle on my own.

Which is why I sought the compassion of friends. Some of them I speak to often, others I hadn't spoken to in years. Each one shiny, unique, and important to me. Each one a source of inspiration and discipline. I care for them dearly. And it is from their benevolence that I find strength.

...Pay it back, pay it forward, nothing means nothing to me

Resolutions for the New Year

• be friendlier

• embrace sincerity

...Well it's night time in Alaska, I hear it's dark until the spring

I've decided to take the rest of the winter off. I'll be waiting for warmer, brighter weather to kick start my brain.