...Ain't it strange how a man who lives for nothing can change

When I was in school I dreamt of the day when I could finally leave. I was pulling my hair out wanting to escape from the classrooms, run through the halls screaming, and out the double doors. I spent my time wanting nothing more to do with it and never gave continued education a second thought. I knew college wasn't for me. To me, the concept of college was like asking a newly released Vietnam POW if he'd like to vacation in Da-Nang. So I skated through my courses, giving the bare minimum effort. All I wanted to do was get in and get out as easily and quickly as possible.

I never dreamt, however, of the day when I would want to go back. That's what I've been doing for the past two days. But then I also didn't like photography until after grade school. I didn't like it until I was already out for a year, had a job, and bought my digital camera for more than two-hundred dollars (still the largest individual purchase I've made to date). Art had been an interest of mine since kindergarten. If you had asked me what my aspirations were when I was five, I would have said either astronaut or painter. Further on down the line, I would have answered cartoonist. The problem here, though, was that I could never draw a lick.

Sure, I doodled often and even went so far as to read instructional books on the subject, but I just wasn't any good. I was always more of an idea person and never one to take them to fruition. I couldn't name the number of characters and situations I came up with. The number of times I actually did something with them, on the other hand, is zero. This of course was before I started taking pictures. This was before I found out that photography was the perfect method of artistic expression for a guy like me. All you have to do is take a simple machine, find something interesting to point it at, and let it go to work. It can be a more complex process than that, but the fantastic thing about photography is that it doesn't have to be. Just focus, click the release, and a product comes out. But my heart wants more.

Which is why I've been considering art school, and only considering. There are a number of obstacles that keep me from acting out my wishes, not the least of which is the expense. A four-year program at the Columbus College of Art & Design, for example, runs around a cool thirty-k. Expense isn't everything, though, as the actual logistics of applying and enrolling also represent roadblocks. I don't know the first step of applying to college. I don't even know if my grades were exceptional enough (and I'm fairly certain they were not). I don't know what I would need, what I would need to have done, who to speak with, ad infinitum. Even then, I'd still have the immense problem of paying for all of it (I read a statistic that said 85% of CCAD students were making use of one form of student aid or another).

So the one thing that I never thought I'd want to do-- the one plan that I could have for my life that actually leads to a future-- is seemingly impossible for me to accomplish. It's an idea I can't afford to give up on, though. I don't know if it's even remotely feasible, but I know it will stick in my gut until I know for sure. I'll have to look into it a little deeper and see what I can dig up.

The situation is unfortunate. I finally have a substantive strategy and yet it leaves me with no control over the outcome. A twist that I hope does not become a pattern.