...I'm chasing the only game in town that's running itself right back into the ground

For the past couple of days I've been doubting myself. Doubting this entire situation, really. To be honest, when I had the idea, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep it going. Obviously I wasn't able to keep up the pace I had created for myself within the first two days. The whole plan and everything surrounding it sort of got to me, and for a second I started falling back into my old ways of distracting myself into complacency. Oh, one day away from it won't hurt, I thought. I'll play some games, watch a bit of TV, chat with a friend. But then it carried over to today, when I realized what was happening. And while chatting for a while was a nice change, the overall experience just wasn't conducive behavior.

I don't want to get to a point where I say to myself, "Oh, I feel good today, I can stop". Because I know what that's going to lead to and it's the same cycle I've been living in for almost a decade. As I said to my friend last night, I've felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, re-living the same one day over again. Except in my case, it's actually been separate days. I know that's not getting me anywhere, so I must do whatever is in my power to keep it from happening again.

I have a saying that I like to apply to myself: Losers are people who have failed, and I haven't tried anything, therefor I can't be a loser. I used to think that was a good thing. I figured that made me better, somehow. That somehow it meant I still had the potential within me, and all that was left was to make something of it. In a way, I guess that's right. But I was wrong about it making me better. At least losers have tried to do something with themselves, even if nothing came of it. That's something they can put on their record. Meanwhile, I don't even have a record. I'm already starting in the hole.

The problem at hand now is that I don't have a plan beyond this. Yes, there is a vague and basic itinerary (do something with yourself -> get a job you don't hate -> get a love life -> success), but there is little else. I've been having thoughts beyond this, and some of those thoughts have become ideas. Ideas that will hopefully give me a little strength and encouragement to push forward. Now it's a matter of taking those ideas, making them happen, and seeing where they take me. Time to stop shuffling my feet and execute more than just Step One. Today is the only day, and old times make way for the new.